


too drunk to say i love you

by wannaones



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking to Cope, Heavy Angst, IT HURTS EVERYTHING HURTS ALSO PARK JIHOON PLZ STOP, M/M, a hakwink angst fic, but here i present to u, hakwink drought? not on my watch, oh AND mentioned sunhak here because at least mister kim sunwoo would not hurt our haknyeon, rip hakwink, this is just shit i wrote for 30 mins after talking w miss nineafternoons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 22:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11610081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wannaones/pseuds/wannaones
Summary: He suddenly finds it harder to let Haknyeon go.





	too drunk to say i love you

**Author's Note:**

> in today's episode of ao3 user wannaones crying over hakwink with miss n*neafternoons

Third bottle down. He isn’t even close to his limit yet, but Jihoon eyes his phone closely, hands itching to talk to someone (he shouldn’t try to talk to.)

 

He fucked up badly and he knows that. All their common friends told him the same damn thing. _You’re the worst, ever. How can you do that to him? How can you hurt someone like Haknyeon?_ Jihoon tried answering the questions in his mind but he can’t. He doesn’t even know how to start explaining why and how everything started plummeting down. 

 

He loves Haknyeon, he really does. Jihoon still loves him more than anything, even in that moment when he’s drowning himself in his own ugly tears, debating whether he should try asking Haknyeon for another chance. But it’s too late, says Woojin, the guy who always looked closely and saw how everything changed. He never said it was because of Jinyoung because Jinyoung also got hurt in the process, he always says it’s Jihoon’s fault.

 

(And Jihoon hates how it’s a hundred percent true.)

 

Halfway through his fourth bottle and the buzz of Naruto’s third season playing on his small television set, Jihoon feels a tear slipping and hitting his denim pants. He mutes the sound from the television and breathes in, scrunching his nose from the smell of alcohol reeking around him. Haknyeon wouldn’t have wanted this, Haknyeon hates it the most when he’s drunk. But Haknyeon will still take care of him, Haknyeon will still bring him home after parties and wipe his body with a wet cloth and make him hangover soup in the morning. Haknyeon will still kiss him after pretending to be angry that Jihoon didn’t study for his quiz that day, and Haknyeon will still smile at him, just like every single day.

 

Haknyeon, Haknyeon, Haknyeon. He loves him so damn much and Jihoon just threw him away like that.

 

It was during one of their fights, just a year and a half after they officially became a couple. It’s the sixth day they haven’t spoken to each other and Euiwoong, Haknyeon’s roommate, just told him that Haknyeon hasn’t slept properly for five days already. Jihoon’s a bit worried but with his pride on the line, he simply brushed Euiwoong’s statement, answering him with a plain, “then make him take sleeping pills or something. I’m busy with dance class later so don’t tell him to wait up for me again like yesterday.”

 

Euiwoong almost landed a punch on Jihoon’s face that day, if it weren’t for the memory of Haknyeon asking him not to hurt Jihoon in any way.

 

Fast forward to the night after and Jihoon’s pretty damn wasted on the couch of Kenta’s house, sitting beside Donghan who was busy trying to catch the attention of the newest school transferee, Kim Taedong. Jihoon just failed his Math exam that day and to ‘celebrate’, he went to Kenta’s send-off party. Enamored by the never-ending towers of drinks, he completely forgot that a whole Joo Haknyeon also came to see him and check on him especially since he had a low-tolerance for alcohol. He also forgot Haknyeon was just a few meters away from him when the campus crush, Bae Jinyoung, approached him with two glasses in his hands. Haknyeon was there, Haknyeon was juts closely watching and he saw it all—from the moment Jinyoung subtly held Jihoon’s hand and whispered something, and the two giggled together and how it escalated so quickly Jihoon didn’t even see Haknyeon walking away with a dejected expression, stopping himself from making a scene and crying so loudly.

 

The next thing Jihoon knows, he’s awake in his own apartment with a bad case of hangover, a sleeping Bae Jinyoung beside him, a bowl of hangover soup above his bedside table, and a handwritten note from Haknyeon.

 

_Take this soup and then drink the medicine beside it later. Take care, Jihoon-ah. This will be the last time._

 

Jihoon brushed this one off easily too, but that’s what he thought. He went on to finish his day avoiding Haknyeon at all costs, and still went playing around with Jinyoung at the hallway when it’s breaktime. That is until one day, Haknyeon didn’t attend all his classes. And he didn’t attend the day after, and the day after, and a week went by like that and Haknyeon just stopped attending completely. Jihoon grew worried by the second, but he never had the guts to call Haknyeon. Not when he knew he hurt him so badly that he’d stop attending school (and Haknyeon was a top student, unlike Jihoon. Jihoon knew he really, really messed up.)

 

Eventually, the sadness doubled, then tripled, then multiplied until it made Jihoon cry of loneliness. He missed Haknyeon, so damn much that he’d do anything just to have him back. He missed Haknyeon cooking breakfast for him, how they’d eat together and walk to school while holding hands. He missed their random video calls at night and how Haknyeon always calls him ‘love’, how Haknyeon made him feel _happy_ and complete. 

 

He made a lot of drafts on his phone, some explaining what happened, some explaining what he really feels, and some just apologizing and asking for Haknyeon to come back. But he never sent any draft, afraid of the inevitable rejection. He knew Haknyeon too well—Haknyeon would never take him back easily like that. 

 

Jihoon starts dragging himself to school after that. Haknyeon’s empty seat behind him makes him feel way worse, but with his mind and soul detached from the world, he just feels like an empty shell.

 

The pain takes a toll, eventually, and Jihoon stealthily buys a case for himself that night from the convenience store close to his apartment. First bottle down, he reminisces of how happy they used to be. Second bottle down, he remembers Haknyeon’s smile and how it lit up his world. Third bottle down, he’s still a bit okay, but he looks at his phone with a sad smile on his face. Fourth bottle finally done and he presses 1 on speed dial, leaning back to the couch.

 

Closing his eyes, he groggily repeats in his mind what he will be saying to Haknyeon. _I’m sorry, I love you. Please come back. Please come back to me._

 

One, two rings, Haknyeon picks up. Jihoon gets startled and he bursts in tears, firing everything quickly. 

 

“I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you. I don’t deserve you, Joo Haknyeon, but I love you. I still do. I love you more than anything and I’m sorry for doing this to you. I’m sorry I didn’t keep you happy, I’m sorry I did all of those things. I’m sorry you had to hurt like this, I’m sorry. I love you so much, I need you in my life. I need to hear your voice again or I might die of loneliness anytime soon, I love you so much I-“

 

“Sorry, Haknyeon’s resting right now. May I know who’s this?”

 

An unfamiliar voice stops Jihoon and his tears. He wipes the mess on his face and sits up properly, mind going a hundred miles a second. _Who…_ “W-who is this?”

 

“Uh, this is Sunwoo? If you’re one of… Haknyeon-hyung’s friends, well he’s in Hong Kong right now with me so you don’t… need to worry?, I guess? I’m taking care of him.” 

 

Jihoon drops the phone before Sunwoo can say anything. Euiwoong said something about a Sunwoo guy before, someone who always dropped by their apartment before, especially when Haknyeon was down. Sunwoo, their junior, who he knows had always kept an eye on Haknyeon… _his_ Haknyeon.

 

He can hear the faint “hello? hello?”’s from his phone, but instead of answering back, he throws it to the nearest wall instead. Gathering his knees closer to his chest, he rocks himself back and forth, and cries like never before. His own choked sobs drown away the sound of his own heart breaking and all the pain eating away what’s left of his broken self, wishing he could go back to the past and correct every single mistake he’s done.

 

But that night, after four bottles of alcohol, an almost-drunk voice call, and Jihoon hugging framed photo of him and Haknyeon together, he realizes he can never take him back anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> stop throwing the bricks, i know i suck at writing but someone had to do this..this fucking inevitable broken!hakwinkfic  
> ha  
> fu c k d*e self D*E!!!!!!!
> 
> kk im on twitter anytime just hmu hehe


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